Halloween 1981
by pamhalpert
Summary: And if they were all dead, why am I still breathing? I would have gladly taken death rather than remain here without them.' A description of the reactions of various people to Lily and James' death.


**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Harry Potter**_** or any of its characters. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N: **So, I'm rereading the HP books and the first chapter of Sorcerer's Stone always makes me sad because I love Lily and James so much. And for whatever reason I was thinking about what Sirius's reaction to his best friend dying must have been like. And then I started writing this.

Also, for those who read _Our Moments_, I'm nearly done. It needs a little tweaking, but it's almost there.

**Chapter One: Sirius**

This isn't possible. I'm completely overreacting, right? Pete's not being chased by Voldemort, she he's allowed to go out. James and Lily are, which is why they never leave. But Wormtail…he's totally free to come and go as he pleases. So, I shouldn't be as frightened as I am right now.

Peter's house was empty. Not like, void of furniture, it just looked like he had stepped out for a bit to eat or to meet friends down at the pub. Except, when has Peter ever done anything without me, Prongs or Moony?

But that's a thought that gives me hope. Maybe Wormtail is at James and Lily's. Maybe he's at Godric's Hollow. _Maybe_ he's forgotten that I was supposed to check up on him tonight. He's never been the sharpest tool in the shed and he's always been prone to forgetfulness. Yes. That must be it. He's visiting the Potters and I'm freaking out about nothing.

These thoughts have been swirling around in my head the entire ride to Godric's Hollow. Well, those and the thoughts that I'm less proud of: that I have nothing to be worried about because I'm almost positive (as horrible as it is to think and as much as it makes me feel like the worst friend in the world to think it) that Remus is the traitor and I'm completely, one hundred percent positive that Wormtail is _not_. What on earth could Voldemort want with someone like Peter Pettigrew? I mean, he's one of my best friends, but if I were trying to get a team together to take over the wizarding world, Peter wouldn't exactly be my first choice.

All of these thoughts, shameful or not, should comfort me. It _should_ make my heart stop pounding as hard as it is and it _should_ unknot my stomach, but something inside of me instinctively tells me that something is wrong. And that feeling makes me urge my bike to move a little bit quicker through the air.

Finally, I'm here. I'm driving through the small town, older children still out trick-or-treating. I tell myself to calm down; that I'm going to land and walk into the house and Lily will hug me and tell Prongs and me to keep it down lest we wake Harry. And then James will make me tell him everything that's going on in the Order. And then we'll make plans to sneak out even though we both know we'll never carry them out. We'll keep talking until Lily falls asleep on James (like she always does) which is my cue to leave.

But as I park my bike and look down the road, I see dust rising in the distance. My feet move quicker down the street until I can see the outline of the cottage. But something is wrong. The lights aren't on in the living room. And in the darkness, I can see that the oak tree Lily said she wanted James to build a tree house for Harry in is splintered and broken. I'm now sprinting toward the house. The front gate is open, but I don't go into their yard. There's a huge hole in the roof…more than a hole, really. It looks as though the whole upper right corner of the house has been blasted off.

It's quiet.

"James!" I call out, my voice breaking. "Lily!" I'm desperate. I'd heard of wizards pretending their home had been attacked in order to throw off unwelcome callers. Of course, James had always thought that was stupid and I doubt that Lily would let him do _this_ to the house she's spent forever decorating. But desperate times call for desperate measures, right? I waited for the house to come back together as they realized it was me, but nothing happened.

I couldn't bring myself to go inside. I wasn't afraid the house would collapse, but more of what I would find in there. James, Lily and Harry…two of my best friends and my godson. My body went cold and began convulsing violently. How was this possible? How could this happen to me? We'd had friends from the Order die. I'd already been to more funerals than I ever cared to attend in my short four years of service to Dumbledore. But I'd never thought it could happen to the Marauders. We were invincible…or so we'd always fancied ourselves. We'd managed to escape so many certain death situations already, I'd just assumed we always would. Why James? Why Lily? Why Harry? What had they ever done to deserve this? And if they were all dead, why am I still breathing? I would have gladly taken any of their spots than remain here without them.

Suddenly, I see movement by the front door. My heart soars! Maybe they'd survived the attack after all!

But that man is too tall and large to be James. For a brief moment, I fear it's Voldemort himself and hatred courses through my veins, but then I recognize the man as Hagrid.

"Sirius?" he asks as he notices me, still standing outside the gate but clutching it tightly to remain upright. "What're yeh doin' here?"

I can't really register his question. My mind doesn't seem to be functioning properly. "Are they…did you see…James, Lily and Harry, I mean…are they…" I couldn't bring myself to say the word "dead."

Hagrid didn't have to say anything, the tears leaking unchecked down his cheeks answered well enough. He nodded. "James an' Lily are. James is righ' there…righ' in the hallway. An' Lily's upstairs in the nursery. They both look like they've jus' fallen ter sleep." His voice shook heavily and I found it increasingly difficult to breathe. "It'll be all righ', Sirius. Lily an' James…they died fer a noble cause. An' wherever they are now, they're together an' yeh know that'd make James happy." Hagrid tried to make a joke, but I couldn't even fake a half laugh. My best friend is dead, my true brother. And his wife, who was more than just my best friend's wife but someone I had grown to love as well.

"And Harry?" I asked, though I was certain of the answer.

"Got him righ' here," Hagrid answered, lifting his arms and indicating a small bundle of blankets I hadn't noticed before.

"He's…he's alive?" I ask, astonished but still afraid to believe it. Hagrid nodded as he gazed down at little Harry and I found myself filled with a sad joy. "But…I don't understand. How is that possible? How can he be alive when James and Lily are…are dead?" I cringe as I say the word.

"No idea," Hagrid mumbles.

"Well…give Harry to me, Hagrid," I said shakily after a few moments of silence. "I'm his godfather, I'll look after him." I finally took a step into the yard and moved toward Hagrid where I could see little Harry. He was awake and squirming. I reached for him but Hagrid pulled him out of my reach. Fury burned inside of me as I looked up into those sad, black eyes.

"Sorry, Sirius, but I've had me orders from Dumbledore an' he says Harry's ter go ter his aunt an' uncle's."

I looked at him, bewildered. "You're not serious…" I said, but Hagrid gave me a fiercely determined look that clearly said he wasn't going to budge on his position. "Lily _hated_ her sister. And her sister hated her…and James! I'm his godfather! Lily and James would want _me_ to take care of Harry. You know that just as well as I do." I made to grab for Harry again, but Hagrid held a hand out and pushed me back.

"I know Lily an' her sister didn't exactly see eye ter eye, but that's what Dumbledore said."

"HAGRID! Lily and James made _me_ Harry's godfather knowing full well that there was a good chance they were going to die. You can't just ignore what they'd want like that!"

"I'm sorry, Sirius. I understand what yer sayin', but if yeh wan' Harry, yer gonna have to take it up with Dumbledore, an' that's that." I huffed my disapproval but knew it was no use arguing. Hagrid was loyal to Dumbledore to the point of death and I knew that he wouldn't give into me no matter how compelling my argument.

"Don't think I won't take this up with him. Can I at least say goodbye?"

Hagrid nodded and held Harry out to me. He didn't let me hold him (didn't trust me, I suppose) but it was okay. I was feeling too shaky and weak to hold him anyway. He looked afraid as he stared up at me. Those bright green eyes, so much like Lily's, recognized me as I brushed a tuft of his hair off of his forehead. I noticed the scar there but couldn't muster the strength to inquire about it. He smiled and squeezed my finger. "Merlin, he's going to look so much like James when he gets older," I whisper in a strangled voice, tears threatening to spill over. Hagrid nods quietly, but doesn't say anything. Harry pulls my finger into his mouth and starts gnawing on it and I'm suddenly filled with an unbearable mix of sorrow and rage.

Sorrow because this kid had possibly the two greatest parents ever and he's never going to know them. James and Lily loved Harry more than anything; more than the Order, more than me or Remus or Peter, more than each other, and yet he only got to spend a little over a year with them. He probably wouldn't even remember the way Lily would hum to him as she rocked him to sleep or the way James would roll around on the floor with him and play the most pathetic game of peak-a-boo I've ever seen. Harry would never get Quidditch lessons from James or eat Lily's incredible oatmeal raisin cookies. He wouldn't ever have brothers or sisters and when he goes to Hogwarts he won't get the letters from James telling him all of the secret passageways out of the castle or from Lily telling him that if he does anything his father tells him to he'll be grounded all of the summer holidays. No matter whether Harry's aunt and uncle are good parents (which I doubt they will be) or whether Harry ends up with me, he'll never have anyone as wonderful in his life as Lily and James.

And then rage…blinding, furious, reckless rage at Peter. He was supposed to be our friend. He was supposed to be _their_ friend. And now they're dead. Now my best friend is gone. Now the most amazing woman I've ever known is gone. Now Harry's life will never be the same and he'll never know what could have been. There's nothing that I want more than to rip Peter apart with my bare hands. No magic would be preferable. I've never felt a hatred like this before…never. I want to murder him. I want him to pay for what he's done. I want him to feel pain like I'm feeling right now.

Suddenly, I know what to do next and it's not going to be going to Dumbledore to petition Harry's living arrangement. After all, he thinks I'm the secret keeper. The Order and the Ministry will be after me soon enough.

No. I'm going to get revenge. I'm going to kill Peter Pettigrew.

"Bye Harry. Hopefully I'll be seeing you around," I say, though I doubt that will happen. "And Hagrid, you can take my bike to Surrey. I won't need it anymore."

"Wow, thanks Sirius. I'll return it to yeh jus' as soon as I can," he said. "I'll be seein' yeh aroun' then."

I wave goodbye and then make my way out of the "no Apparate" zone I know Dumbledore set up around their cottage. I can't stay there any longer. I have a mission now and I won't rest until I either kill Peter or die. Whichever comes first.

**A/N: **So, yeah, this was really sad to write. Like I said, I love Lily and James. And I always feel bad for Harry having to grow up with the Dursley's when his life would have been so much more amazing had Lily and James lived…stupid Voldemort. Such a jerk!

Anyway, I'm assuming that Sirius has been to Godric's Hollow at some point (perhaps the Potters took him house hunting when searching for a hideout…) which may or may not have been true. I don't think the books ever specify.

I think I'm going to do Remus and Petunia. I'd do Peter but I think I'd either be way too forgiving or way too harsh…plus, I hate him. I'd probably write an entirely AU thing where Sirius kills him and then discovers a way to bring Lily and James back to life. I considered doing a Dumbledore version, but he's too smart for me to write. I would never do him justice.


End file.
